Too Young...

On January 21, 2010, nine year old Montana Lance, a 4^th grade student at Stewart Creek Elementary School in Lewisville, Texas took his own life.  After being sent to the office, he asked to use the bathroom and locked himself in the nurse’s closet and hung himself with a belt. 

Nearly two and a half years later, the case is still in litigation. 

Parents from Lewisville and several other school districts staged a demonstration today due to their feelings that schools are not doing enough to protect students from bullying.  What many parents fail to realize is that the US Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, called for school districts across the country to adopt anti-bullying protocols last school year.  It was mandated in Texas as part of the most recent legislative session.  While parents do have an expectation of safety when their child is dropped off at school, it is important for parents to familiarize themselves with their school district’s code of conduct.  At the beginning of every school year, parents are given a stack of paperwork to fill out from their child’s teacher or school.  One of those papers is usually an acknowledgement of receipt of the code of conduct.  The majority of parents simply tear the signature paper out, sign it, and return it with the rest of the stack.  However, it is the parent’s responsibility to know the information.  While it happens that some schools and districts fail their students, it also happens that parents fail their children. 

Whatever comes of the litigation in Montana’s case, there is still a family that is missing their son.  There is still a little girl, now 8 years old, who witnessed Montana’s lifeless body being taken down and laid on a bed in the nurse’s office.  There are still classmates and teachers who lost something that fateful day.  And there will be victims of bullying who get no media attention, whose parents grieve in silence, and whose deaths and victimization go unnoticed. 

No amount of legislation or lawsuits will put an end to bullying.   Parents, it’s up to us to teach our children that their words and actions, even at such young ages, can have devastating effects.  It’s also up to us to watch how we speak to and in front of our children before.  We need to be the change we want to see in our children.

For more on Montana Lance, read here

A Reason To Come Back

Man it's been forever since I've typed on here.  I've had the desire and the want to but the time has been escaping me, and the list of excuses has been mounting.  Back to the grind I will go though, and get this ball back rolling...

A few weeks ago I was at a school.  A kid and his gang went to a local park and got beat up by a rival gang.  He was upset about this so he concocted a story about being jumped and he was going to retaliate by bringing a gun to his school to handle his business.  Needless to say, there was a significant amount of police presence at the school that day.  A co-worker talked to the kids mom and instructed her to leave her son at home that day and that if he showed on campus he would be arrested.

Fast forward to this week.  In the past three weeks at this school, a 14 year old kid died from an overdose of heroin.  3 kids just this week self-admitted to their addiction and checked into rehab.  One of those 3 kids was the kid that was supposed to bring the gun that Monday morning.  They were all friends with the deceased kid. Every one knew him.  He was not a gang member nor a "bad kid" but he had been using heroin since middle school.  As his chase of the dragon became worse, he started mixing his heroin with Zanax.  This proved deadly.  A few nights before his death, he gave a friend of his all his user names and passwords to his emails, video games, social networks, and cell phone.  It's as if he knew this information was going to be needed.  Sad thing is, his friend took them and did not ask the important questions.  Nor did he inform his parents or any adults at his school.  A few days later, his friend was dead.

Thursday afternoon I stood in front of 230 9th graders from the school.  I tried to teach them about the dangers of drugs without giving them any new ideas.  I made eye contact with the kids I had worked with in the past due to their gang affiliations.  And as I closed my presentation to them, I let them know that we as parents have failed them.

I can only hope that as I continue to speak to kids, I can one day tell them that we as parents, and as a society, are no longer failing them.

Warning Signs, Part 4

As I continue in Bob Larson's 6 warning signs, the next one is number 4 - Deteriorating Physical and Psychological Health.

Wow what a powerful and often overlooked stage. 

A key fact that Mr. Larson states is that kids, often teenagers, often have mood swings and different stages of health. Pattern and consistency are key.  it is also important to think about how many doctors are getting RICH by prescribing mind and mood altering psychotropic medications to kids.  From ADHD to bi-polar disorder, kids as young as 5 and 6 years old are given these pills in hopes that they get "cured."  What level of cure could happen if parents were just loving and involved???  But I digress. 

Whatever ill a child is dealing with, he/she will often begin exhibiting this form of deterioration.  Younger kids will often experience stomach or headaches, bed wetting, and/or crying.  Older kids and teenagers will withdraw from school, friends, stop doing activities they love, change friends, stop eating, etc.  The mental pain they are going through engulfs their whole world.  As this happens, they fall deeper into the fantasy worlds which i talked about earlier. 

Intervention with this step? A keen eye and an involved parent.  Mr. Larson states it well,

"Don't just focus on what they may be doing, like crying or receding emotionally from the family.  Find out what they feel like doing, what they'd do if they could, even if such talk turns to thoughts of suicide and violence against others." 

Kids who are pushed to the bring of suicide, violence, drugs, and gangs are scared.  They are looking for that person to embrace them through their fears.  It is important for parents to realize that our children are capable or violence.

Warning Signs, Part 3

Escaping Into a Fantasy World

Bob Larson’s third warning sign is a perfect continuation of the previous one, which centered on an absence from family interaction.  While the issue there was the absence itself, I happened to focus on what a kid is doing during that absence, which is more focused on this sign.  When children immerse themselves in positive activities, there is not much concern.  It is sometimes easy to real someone back in when their time and energy is focused on real world events, sports, or reading. 

The issues arise when the escape leads to a fantasy existence.  Role playing games have evolved into second worlds.  I have written a few topics of the dangers of certain video games, which Mr. Larson details as well.  The Columbine HS shooters spent countless hours playing, mastering, and developing their own worlds in the game Doom.  There have been several episodes of the CSI television series centered on the game “Second Life” which allows users to experience an alternate existence.  Users of these games often forget their real lives and develop the minds of their characters.  The violence associated with these games can also be desensitizing to the young mind.  When more and more hours are spent in the fantasy realms, kids lose more of their touch with their real lives.  When the number of at-risk factors or stressors on a kid’s life is in an acceptable or normal range, it is easy to bounce back.  But when the number of stress factors increases, the higher the percentage of harm that can be cause by time spent during these escapes. 

Again, as will continue to be the main focus of most of these writings, parental involvement is key.  No video game is a substitute for family interaction.  Unfortunately, many parents feel that as long as their child is in the home, they are not causing any harm nor at any risk.  If you have a child that plays video games, whether they are console based or computer based, spend some time watching them.  Have them show you the game, the playability, the community.  Read the chat rooms.  And if you see anything alarming, be the parent.

10 Year Old Girl Dies After Fight At School

While the shooting in Chardon, Ohio continues to grab the nation’s attention, buried under the headlines on cnn.com is “Girl, 10, dies hours after fight at school.” 

In an all too common occurrence, two fifth grade students planned a fight after school last Friday.  The girls, ten and eleven years old, met in an alley near their school.  Surrounded by classmates, the girls fought for less than a minute and parted ways.  One of the fighters returned to school immediately after for a scheduled tutoring session.  There were no reports of the fight until after the girl complained of not feeling well and went to the hospital.  6 hours after this planned fight, 10 year old Joanna Ramos died of blunt force trauma to the head.  Grief counselors will be at the school and the fate of the 11 year old girl is uncertain at this time. 

Any YouTube search of “(insert school name here) fights” will often lead to a multitude of cell phone videos of students fighting.  While onlookers cheer and instigate the fighters, there is often no regard for safety.  Kids as young as elementary age throw each other to the ground, kick each other in the head, and slam each other’s skulls into the pavement.  Usually only after a clear advantage is gained will the onlookers break up the fight, or simply separate the fights for another round. 

In this case, there was about a 15 minute window for these girls to leave school, fight, and return to school and act as if nothing happened.  It is time for parents to wake and realize that kids, even as young as 10 years old, even girls, are capable of planning and carrying out dangerous plans without considering the consequences.  It is very cliché to say that kids are growing up in a different time, but it is a point that many do not seem to understand.  Our kids reside in a secret world.  Cellular phones and social networking have helped fuel not only the imaginations of these kids but their rage as well.  Just ten years ago, schoolyard disagreements were often forgotten about overnight.  With the advent of texting and instant messaging, kids get home after school, disappear into their online worlds, and the disagreements evolve.   They are never given the chance to die.  Unfortunately, many parents praise their kids for their technological savvy.  Many of those same parents do not know the ins and outs of texting and social networking, and they do not take the time to learn.  If a parent allows their child to partake in social networking and the freedoms associated with a cellular phone at a young age, extreme diligence and scrutiny must be paid to those accounts.  It is not an invasion of privacy for a parent to monitor their child’s activity, especially on a phone or internet service they pay for! 

Chadron, Ohio...Thoughts?

Outcast…Nice guy…2 words that do not seem to fit together nor describe the same person.  However, those words were used today to describe T. J. Lane who is accused of shooting 5 people, killing one of them, in the cafeteria of a high school about 30 miles outside of Cleveland, Ohio. 

Early reports are that the suspect was essentially minding his own business during the breakfast period prior to classes when he stood up, pulled out a handgun, and began shooting towards other students.  Witnesses report that this did not seem to be a random act.  The victims attended a different high school and were waiting there for their bus.   The shooter fled the campus and was later apprehended. 

As thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims, what about the shooter.  What prompted T. J. Lane to commit this act?  Here are a few statements made about him after the fact;

• "He was one of the nicest kids here; it was really shocking that it was him"
• "He just came from a really broken down home and he was living with his grandparents"
• "He was more of a quiet type of kid. He was really nice, though, if you did talk to him"
• "A teenager described as an outcast"
• A witness also stated that Lane may have posted about this on a social network site, but that no one took him serious. 

As more details emerge about T J Lane, it will be interesting (to some) to see what motivated him to commit this act.  How many of Bob Larson’s “6 warning signs” did he portray?  Why did he target the students he did?  As the witness pointed out, Lane was a nice kid IF he was talked to.  How many people took the time out to reach out to him?  Was he written off as the “quiet kid from a broken home” and thus was not very popular?  Was he singled out by his peers because he was different or awkward?   I think back to the “Chain Reaction” mindset or Rachel Scott and the Rachel’s Challenge program.  What if the actions of a few, maybe even one student could have altered the course of this day? 

People everywhere are posting and commenting about schools no longer being safe, cherishing every morning with their kids because no one knows where this will happen next, etc.  Parents everywhere over the next few weeks are going to caution their kids about looking out for the quiet ones, to remain vigil and alert, and have a plan in place.  How many parents are teaching their kids to reach out to those that are different?  Do we teach our kids to speak to the loners, to befriend the different, or simply not to partake in the ostracizing of those who are the victims?  

Warning Signs, Part 2

Bob Larson's second warning sign that a child may be at risk is "absence from family interaction." 

Excessive disconnect is easily recognizable, unfortunately, is it chalked up as normal teenage behavior.  While at times it is normal for teenagers to separate themselves from family interaction, there is a difference in separation and absence.  Some separation can be healthy.  Teenagers often drift off into their own worlds of music, games, computers, card games, and/or sports.  It allows them to develop their own habits, their own likes, and their own identity.  What is important is for family members, especially parents, to incorporate themselves into these activities.  Showing an interest in their likes is a way to get them back into the family circle after they have escaped to their own fantasy island. 

Unfortunately, this is often an area where parents fail, which causes those separations to turn to the unwanted, and dangerous absences.  When parents do not show an interest in their child's activities, it further reinforces the thoughts they have of separation.  It is then easier for them to drift further and further away.  In the cases of some of the most notorious school shooters, their escapes led to a point of no return.  The hatred and anger they built up towards those at school and those that tormented them was not replaced by love and interest shown by their parents.  Eventually they were all placed in one big group of "enemies" which left them alone.  With nothing to live for and no perceived love at home, the unthinkable happened.  Regardless of the actual love the parents probably did have for them, their perception was their reality. 

Parents...involve yourselves in the interests of your children.  Show them that what is important to them is also important to you.